I am trying to focus on something else other than what I am already focusing on. Ok, other than the 4 different areas of my focus subjects. Because I hate all of them but my brain is restless and it’s doing its thing. Although, I have to admit, self-seclusion gives you mental clarity like nothing else. May be, because I now have to mostly deal with morons via phone. So the power of voice/face connection is somewhat diminished and less impactful.
But what my brain is doing now is just not fair. Not fair anymore. To me. Because we’ve already analyzed at least one of the subjects to death with no visible solution in site. Other than the fact that it’s still torturing me so I cannot let go. Coz that’s what I do. I don’t let go until I get it. Which in turn makes me miserable. “You shouldn’t have reached out. You were doing so fine getting over him. You were managing it, Desi!! Why the fuck did you do that?” And now every text from him is a true revival of past feelings and me battling them and trying to squash them. And then sanity kicks in, the logical side of my brain takes over just to point a finger at me and laughingly call me “An Idiot” once again. Because I was doing so great getting over him.
And for some unknown reason I keep on pitching ridiculous ideas on how our relationship should be. Ideas I am completely incapable of delivering on. Like the last one was: “We are friends now”. No, I don’t need any more friends. In fact, I am trying to unload a few. And I know he doesn’t buy it either and more so I know he is also incapable of being just friends. Because he’s just an empty soul…But now I don’t know anymore…we have this thing…him and I…it’s indescribable. Unfortunately, he’s too dumb to get it. And by the time he does, I will be on my next marriage. Why can’t I just tell him that it’s all or nothing with me? Always. I am not suitable for anything else.
Ok, this is stupid! I guess my heart takes longer to catch up with my brain though and I keep on texting him back. When I should be blocking his number. But that’s not civilized now, is it? Yeah, we both know that he is just not enough. And by “both”, I mean my brain and my heart. And he fucked up. Big time! And yet, my heart is pulling me towards him once in a while.
Well, fuck you, Heart! I am going to win this time! And focus on things that actually matter…Yes, I am working on a few other things. Things that actually have a purpose and are not as meaningless as some guy who doesn’t know what he wants or how to get it.
And of course, the Universe has to pull out the big gun with this Coronavirus thing and all of us being in isolation and all. I mean, if that’s not a sign that I need to change a few things in a really big way then what is? What did you expect, Desi?! A burning bush?! Or a booming voice from the skies shouting “Forget about him, he’s a heartless douchbag who mislead you and treated you like shit!”
So I cut him off. I summoned all the strength I had in me and cut him off. So now I’ll just let time take over and do its thing…so I can hopefully forget…