Day 23 – crazy alert status!

Social Distancing took a new meaning for me last night. I read somewhere that if you have unresolved business with someone and you don’t have the option to confront them or unwilling in my case, you should write a letter to them and that should bring some peace. Not send it, just write it. So I did. Could have thought of a hundred more productive things to do but oh, well, I did this instead…

Such bullshit! It doesn’t bring you peace and it doesn’t solve anything. Just the opposite: it made me analyze everything all over again. My brain got so creative that instead of seeking answers for the already established questions, it came up with new ones. The letter kept growing and started resembling a book. My mind tortured my heart with remembering every look, every touch and every word. Memories and feelings started galloping through my body once more with the fierce power of wanting him near again. I loved him once again, I hated him once again, I forgave him once again. I felt powerless and weak, I felt unloved and disrespected. “I’m not going to leave her” echoing in loud voice just to humiliate me once again and make me feel rejected and insignificant. I despised it all!!!

Who came up with that shit?!! Please, don’t try that at home!!

But then I started thinking more about it and realized that it wasn’t my fault. It wasn’t his fault either. His brain works in a special way and tricks him and he is too scared to follow his heart. Almost incapable of love. And I am who I am and shouldn’t change my values just because of one heartless person who didn’t know what he wanted, didn’t know me at all and even if he did, would not have the capacity to appreciate me. He was incapable of giving me what I needed. And all I need is love and romance. I have everything else.

I value love, loyalty and trust. And I shouldn’t change who I am for anyone. And the most significant realization: I should focus my time and attention on those who actually reciprocate and value love just as much as I do. And never ever disrespect myself again! No one is worth that!!

Oh, wait!! Blogging about it helps a little bit though…

About Desi Stark

All luxury beauty and lifestyle with a sprinkle of the occasional random thought and some life stories.
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