I lost my focus for just a second and my balance went to Hell and I didn’t see it coming at all but it all happened almost as if in slow motion..and of course, he knocked me down. And no, it wasn’t like that time when I unexpectedly lost myself in someone’s eyes and yes, it felt like an eternity as well…but just as painful afterwards. That time I foolishly got taken by a moment only to later realize that I have simply just embarrassed myself as I had picked the one guy who doesn’t get romance even if it hits him on the head. Yeah, that was not a knock down, that was a knock out. A humiliating one that bruises your ego more than anything else.
He knocked me down. Literally. Actually, I flew for a bit in the air and landed like an immaculate Lululemon outfit stuffed with me, face down on the mat. Instinctively, my first reaction is to jump on my feet and throw a punch but this would be stupid as my trainer has already read my mind and ready to pounce again. I’d rather spare myself from a second knock down so I decide it’s probably smarter to just play dead. There is no humiliation in the act, and all I feel is pain.
My beloved trainer Ezra has agreed to teach me Krav Maga as he was in fact in the Israeli army and who better to teach me the authentic version. In addition to being all bruised up as today’s knock down was not my first one and Ezra is completely merciless because he knows that he cannot discriminate when it comes to me, I am also exhausted. And Ezra is completely unaffected as proven by his constant tip toeing around me like a very muscular ballerina. Not to mention the profuse verbal abuse in the form of mocking and name calling. “Who are you calling a girl, Ezra?!”, I finally peel myself off the floor and while my eyes are full of daggers and determination, and my brain screams “Murder”, my legs have turned to stone and I fall back onto the mat. I’m staring at my bluish bruises and mentally trying to take inventory of my body make up stash. Forget about wearing dresses for a month!
But I started thinking about temporary physical vs emotional pain specifically the kind when you embarrass yourself. Which one is more tolerable? If you have to pick, which pain would you rather endure? Would it be the one where you surprised yourself with a sudden surge of romantic feelings for someone, only to realize that reciprocity was abysmal and the aftermath of humiliation strikes as you feel like a complete fool for opening your heart for an evening to an undeserving person. Or is it the physical kind, where you have been kicked and slammed almost daily for weeks onto a mat a few dozen times to a point that every little part of your body hurts? Which one is better: bruised legs or a bruised ego?
My pick is very clear and concise: I take being physically bruised, thrown and kicked any time of the day before I get humiliated again!!!
But Ezra, may be next time we just dance for a change.