14 days…14 days till my New Year starts aka my Birthday. And I should wait until that day arrives so I can open a new chapter (such a cliche of an expression!), leave all that has to be forgotten in the old year, all that brings emotional turmoil in my life, all dysfunctional relationships, all useless desires and emotions, all negative influences, all delusional dreams and unrealistic expectations. And believe you me, I am apparently capable of being the kindest and most empathetic person in the world but also draw a very straight line in the sand and ruthlessly abandon it all overnight. Because life is too short and becomes shorter by the minute to waste it on useless emotions and uncaring people.
But this is me, right?! So I’m not waiting another minute. I’m doing it all today. As with age unfortunately all that baggage becomes larger and heavier so I have to unload it today. Because also unfortunately, the longer shit lingers, a habit is formed. And habits are constraints. And constraints are suffocating. And I need my freedom…emotional and otherwise… That’s the only way I can breathe again so I can make space for the next big thing or next amazing person in my life. Or so I keep on telling myself…
An enormous box is neatly sitting on the floor of the entryway. Casually but also threatening and humiliating me with its content and size. I placed it there. I also filled it with everything that reminds me of all the things I’ve been desperately trying to shake and rid of throughout this year including 3 very expensive perfume bottles. Because those scents remind me of events and people I’d like to forget so they have to go. Not even sure why I still have them…And I’ve always had a strange relationship with scents. They bring memories back and memories bring feelings back. A few songs were deleted, all useless text messages and profiles removed, search engine was cleared and a few dresses placed in same box. Shit! I loved those dresses. I actually like change proven by the 3 walk in closets full of fashion; yes, I like new things. Not so much because I like material things but because they become a symbol of a memory which in turn collects and holds feelings. New things, new experiences, new feelings. My brain makes that connection and holds on to it. Forever. So when I walk into one of my closets, I find myself once again at an elegant dinner at Jean Georges almost smelling his cologne, sipping coffee across from Casino De Monte-Carlo, feeling the soft touch of his hand at the San Francisco Ballet, admiring the Sistine Chapel, dancing in Vegas and so on…around the world in 90 seconds. But objects, can also bring back unpleasant memories and memories bring back undesirable feelings. And again, I’m in the business of exploring new feelings not reliving the undesirable ones. Because in my very habitual and full of daily rituals life and my so organized and calendared week, new objects bring a variety in life. And I’ve heard that variety is a special spice that we all need and crave. Well, I do. Ask all of my ex fiancees..haha
The only thing left to do now is build a fire and chant with a little dance around it. Just kidding. And the box of course is totally imaginary but the analogy serves its purpose. I don’t do any of that shit. It’s too basic for my taste. But I did start a green cleanse – day 2 and I’m already going out of my mind. I need a fucking cheesecake!!!
My new favorite song, appropriately named “Let it go”. Just beautiful!!