I feel weightless, serene and captivated, like swimming in something blue but warm that sucks me in deeper and envelops me in a fog in the peripherals and the only clear view is straight ahead; it’s not water, it’s more resembling a cerulean cloud. And I’m slowly sinking but not down, more forward and the blue gets even more intense, like being in a Caribbean vacation dream or possibly a nightmare. I know that there is music playing and people around but I don’t see them or hear anything anymore. I don’t feel anything either and my brain is nowhere to be found. And yes, it feels like floating but better…yes, floating in his eyes. So blue! And while I’m having my moment and wishing I could hold this perfection for eternity, he starts talking…again. Of course about himself but accidentally and occasionally includes me and something about this other woman and something not being fair to any party or whatever. And I’m perfectly still and motionless because I’m not sure which I should react to first: the fact that he’s insulting my intelligence by thinking I wasn’t aware of these facts and by the way, I could care less about, or should I be pissed off that he totally murdered my moment of deep serenity and swimming in his eyes. So I choose neither.
And the countdown starts slowly and loudly inside my brain…5,4,3,2,1 and I hear the bang and clearly see the bullet aiming straight to my chest. I don’t even flinch upon impact as I’ve been preparing myself for it and ready. But now the pain is spreading all throughout me, which is a fun little surprise as I didn’t think I cared that much but I’m still motionless and somewhat paralyzed and I’ve completely lost control of my capacities and yes, still staring and floating in his blue eyes. Because, that’s how I wanted to die.
And while realizing that I’ve foolishly jumped sets and playing a secondary role in some guy’s movie where he just killed me off in the 2nd scene, an elegant kill but same end result, I’m getting progressively upset that I’ve inadvertently halted production of my own motion picture, because the star is missing – me. And all of a sudden, I feel exhausted, weak and powerless. So I need to get the Hell out of here.
But it made me think about the reason behind it: what brought me here to this set and his movie? As I know mine is amazing! Was my movie lacking something? Was it pure lust, or was there more? I’m voting for lust but come on now! I’ve never just wanted lust!! I need lust and love! Powerful, all consuming, inconvenient, passionate and undeniable romance! I’ve never settled for anything less. And what was I thinking?! I knew I’m not going to find it here as the odds were not in my favor. I already knew that this guy doesn’t take chances; he’s too predictable, regimented and constrained with virtually no imagination. Ok, somewhat charmingly elementary and simple, loyal and disturbingly handsome…yeah, really handsome.
John Lyly immortalized a really famous quote in his book “Euphues: The Anatomy of Wit” which says: “All is fair in love and war”. This quote has stayed with me through the years as I’ve always believed to be relevant and true. As I’m a fighter regardless if at the office or my personal life and the Universe does not give us many magical moments and when you recognize one, you keep it…Because that’s what it means to be a true romantic at heart. Experiences and events have never carried any significance in my life and I go through a lot of them, it’s the feeling that they give me, it is what I always crave and seek. As I’ve wanted to always live to the fullest, to feel the powerful feelings as they come in small waves but you really want to catch that enormous one. Just like the one I saw when staring in those beautiful blues…but even I make mistakes and can be lured by a strong physical attraction.
So yes, I took a bullet but miraculously, I’m very much alive. And can someone, please get all the fucking blue out of my mind now?!